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Hey friends!

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written on here.

Life has been a whirlwind for the past three-ish months.

To put it plainly, I got tired of being the person I always was and instead of just talking about it and playing the daydreaming game, I wanted to go out there and actually give life a real shot.

Well, that backfired a little because I ended up sadder than I’ve ever felt. But, on the flip side, also the happiest I have ever existed.

To make a long story short, I fell in love last year in September and despite the abnormal amount of times I’ve been hurt, I am still in love.

That might make me seem insane to most people or even pathetic. Maybe I should care how my life looks to everyone else. But no one understands how I feel except for God. I can’t explain it and maybe I never will be able to.

No matter how hurt I was or am, I forgive him of everything.

If he called me right now, I would answer.

If he needed me, I would be here.

But…

I can’t ever go back.

Despite how in love I am. No matter how much I still care about him. Even to go against my prayers that we’ll end up together forever… I can’t go back.

God pulled me out of a place so far gone that to go back now would be to deny His love for me.

I have learned to accept the fact that I’ll always love him but that I love God and myself more. That all of those things are true at the same time.

Do I wish things were different? Yes.

But they’re not. And the only way to make them different would be to force them, go outside of God’s will, and probably end up unhappy.

This way, I’ll always love him and I’ll never get hurt again.

Even reading this now, I feel a little crazy.

That isn’t the point of this blog. The point is to update you.

I am still in Atlanta, despite every obstacle. I am still working on what God has called me to do. Express myself and glorify Him.

Do I know where I’m headed? No.

Do I know what I’m meant to do exactly? No.

Do I know who is going with me? No.

Do I know how? Yes. God.

I’ve got an unwavering faith I’ve never had before. A steadfast belief in the Creator of the Universe. Literally nothing else matters. Nothing can stand in the way of God.

It all seems so small when you put it in perspective. We worry about the most trivial things. We cry over what happened a month ago. We get upset remembering how someone treated us years ago. A word can trigger us. A color can spark joy.

I’m learning how to choose my reactions wisely. I always acknowledge my first impulse and feeling but what I choose to actually do, say, and behave is what truly matters. Left to my own devices, I’d probably be very unlikable if I went with my first impulses. So, instead, I chat with God a little before reacting and I like to think people enjoy me more.

When he broke up with me the last time, I cried. I could barely get a word out and he was about to leave. “You don’t even want to hear what I have to say?” I choked out the words, confused at his lack of empathy. “There’s nothing to talk about” he said straightforwardly.

He wasn’t wrong. There was nothing to talk about. He didn’t want to try anymore. No matter what I said, it wouldn’t have changed his feelings.

A trigger I’ve always had is not being heard, feeling like my voice and opinion didn’t matter.

But it’s true. It doesn’t. At the end of the day, how I feel, what I have to say, anything that comes out of my mouth, doesn’t actually mean anything.

It’s the actions. How I showed up whenever he called. How I listened anytime he was feeling overwhelmed or had a problem. How I went everywhere he wanted. How I did everything he wanted me to do. How affectionate I was. How caring I was. How uplifting I was.

But when someone doesn’t care anymore, actions don’t matter either.

You could give someone the world and it would mean absolutely nothing if they didn’t care.

Luckily, there’s plenty of people out there who care about what you have to say, the kind things you do, the way you show up in the world. More importantly, there’s one entity that loves everything you do: good and bad.

“There’s nothing to talk about” he said.

At that moment, I knew God was intervening.

Nothing would have pulled me away from him. He could have done anything to me, said anything to me. I would have stayed. I would have given him my whole life.

God knew that. God saw me about to make the same mistake again.

So, he pulled me out. I opened my eyes.

I was reminded of what really matters and who is really in control. I can only do so much. Ultimately, God has the final say.

As a dancer, I’ve auditioned for a million things. I’ve been rejected a million times. No matter how correct I felt for the role, if God didn’t think I was meant for it, I didn’t get it.

But we persist.

We march on.

I’m not giving up on myself. Nothing will ever paralyze me again knowing God is on my side. When He’s in my corner, everything is happening for a reason. Everything is working for my good.

I feel more at peace with every step I take knowing I am loved so fully by the Lord. Knowing this, I walk into each space with more love in my own heart.

I’m interested to see where life takes me. I don’t have any expectations anymore because I know well that God’s plan supersedes my own. I’m continuing to work on each of my crafts and share them with the world. I find joy in bringing others to see their own light and what they are capable of.

There is a light that never goes out and it lives inside every single one of us.

I hope you find yours.

Peace and Love,

Perlizbeth

P.S. If you’re reading this, I still love you. I can’t help it.

God taught me how to love and He doesn’t teach people how to stop.