why wouldn’t i be happy to spot a couple white hairs and changing body pains

if it means i finally understand how to love you the right way

i worked my first day in sales at a showroom for a company i am completely new to today. sold about $6k with four different customers.

i was practicing these tagalog songs i’m singing on saturday for a festival and my dad facetimed me. he looked so happy. i was just glad to be thought about randomly. glad to be called out of nowhere by someone who loves me.

It sometimes feels like pulling teeth to turn and go the other way. Sometimes, it feels inconvenient. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel as good. Sometimes, you’re the only one going that way so it’s lonely or it feels incorrect.

i was talking to my daughter about this concept of our fears being loud and keeping us from following our dreams. how easy it is to tell someone else to chase their dreams…and not fully grasping how difficult it is to actually do that.

i haven’t been getting a lot of sleep lately— five hours here, three hours there, four in the middle of the day, etc. i’ve been restless thinking about this big move and doing it alone

it feels terrifying to consider existing in a new city on my own

no. by worldly standards i don’t really have the means to do anything. i should really just be in north carolina, across from the tobacco field, working a full-time job, comfortably waiting for the end.

there’s a part in the book where the characters are in a setting much like we’ve been in. the girl says “good. i want this to always be our thing.”

and i listened to an old voice memo where it was our thing. and it felt like it just happened. it felt like yesterday when i recorded you on the piano and me singing and us laughing back and forth, trading jokes and voices and songs.

Go hard or go home as they say.

But there’s no home.

There’s only one option.

It’s dangerous to be alone. But that’s where I’ve found myself.

I used to thrive on friendships, relationships, networks. I used to place my value in who I surrounded myself with. I’ve said before, this world is built on connection.

But somehow I’ve found myself alone.

“The saxophones are getting louder” is often said before something catastrophic or, more plainly, bad happens. But in my mind, it means something inevitable is about to happen.

Eventually, I learned that you will never be fully prepared. You will never feel ready. You will always feel like there’s more you could do to set yourself up for success. But life doesn’t work like that.

Life doesn’t give you a checklist.

I still love big cities. I’m a country girl at heart. My brother still lives in our childhood home across from the tobacco field. I love Cook Out and climbing mountains. I’d rather be in the garden chasing chickens than riding a lime scooter on the beltline.

I’m telling you about this because, in watching this show, I have learned that anything can be funny. But only if you make it funny. Only if you choose to smile. Only if you open yourself up to laughter.

Today, I felt God present in every moment. I was hyper-aware of my surroundings, who was there, how I was acting… There’s a level of certainty when you have Him in your corner.

But nothing could take away the feeling of the gravel against my finger as I tried to blend two colors. Nothing will override the woman who told me she had three miscarriages as I left the venue that night. I’ll never forget that conversation with that stranger who asked me what my definition of beauty was.

I’ve got an unwavering faith I’ve never had before. A steadfast belief in the Creator of the Universe. Literally nothing else matters. Nothing can stand in the way of God.

it’s really our comfort level that stops us from that potential success. we are more afraid of failure and would rather accept what we have received so far than try and fail.

find a square space. create your own space. consider not even trying to fit into a space.

i was no longer jumping for joy at what used to make me simmer with excitement.