alone

"It's dangerous to go alone! Take this."

I played The Legend of Zelda from a young age. My first Zelda game was Wind Waker. The last one was Tears of the Kingdom. At the beginning of the 1986 game, Link meets an old man in a cave who tells him this phrase, wielding him with a sword in his quest to rescue Zelda and defeat Ganon.

It’s dangerous to be alone. But that’s where I’ve found myself.

I used to thrive on friendships, relationships, networks. I used to place my value in who I surrounded myself with. I’ve said before, this world is built on connection.

But somehow I’ve found myself alone.

Not in a way that I’m isolated and desolate, instead, in a way that I am about to go on a quest and need to be armed.

I don’t know what it will look like, what I will face, or who will be there. But I know I must go alone. And if I’m to be alone, I must know how to defend myself.

I’ve spent most of my life chasing a dream, an idea. I’ve spent most of my life wondering if God was real. Not in a way that was dismissive or disillusioned, instead, in a way that said out loud I believed but had doubts.

Those doubts are gone.

If I know you. If you know me. You know I’m a people person.

I love people. I can talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime.

Not just talk.

Talk.

Dive.

Get into the stuff you barely think about but lives just under your skin.

But, I’m being forced into a place I must go alone.

I can’t expect anyone to want to take this journey with me.

A perfectly sane person would never do what I’m doing, have the dreams I have, or pursue them.

Sometimes, I wish I didn’t have this on my heart.

I could just throw it away, bring myself down, walk an easier path. But that easier path was actually worse. I loved someone who hated me. I was in rooms where people looked down on me. I did jobs I was never fully appreciated for. I made so many mistakes based on the value I placed on myself.

I deserved all of it.

Because I thought I did.

Not because I actually did.

I’m realizing most people choose the easier path. Do the job that pays the bills. Love the person who meets your needs. Be friends with people who agree with you. Have a hobby that you’re decent at. There are no risks. There are no stakes.

There are no rewards.

There is no growth.

I’m mostly talking to myself here.

I’m hyper aware of all the ways I’ve stayed complacent and kept myself from growing to remain comfortable.

The question I’m asking myself is “Am I willing to sacrifice my comfort for growth?” or more importantly “Am I willing to sacrifice my growth for comfort?”.

What is keeping me from growing?

I once told this guy I was seeing “I feel unlimited. Like I could do anything”. He responded saying “You can’t do everything. It’s impossible. You can only be in one place at one time”.

I was quiet. How could he not understand what I meant? I always thought he was a dreamer. That he would know better than anyone what it meant to feel like you had endless potential. In that moment, I realized not many people think that about themselves.

“I can imagine myself doing everything. Why can’t I do everything?” I asked.

“You just can’t. We’re only human” he said curtly.

I continued thinking and watching the sky. I saw the birds and could imagine myself flying. I looked into the river, imagining myself as a tadpole. I looked around and imagined myself as one of the trees, standing still for centuries, watching millions of people pass by.

I used to read books and start thinking and speaking the way the author wrote. I remember pulling an all nighter in high school to watch Star Wars. The next day, I could only speak like Yoda.

I love so hard. It’s a trait I can’t turn off. And the biggest way I love people is by absorbing who they are and what stood out to me about them.

My love letter to everyone I’ve ever known is carrying a piece of them with me wherever I go.

This unlimited feeling… This sensation of possibility… It’s not something any of us could give a profession or amount of money. It has no price, no face, no brand.

It’s not something anyone I know understands.

I don’t know if I’ll meet anyone who does.

Unfortunately, that means I have no company and I must go alone.

Fortunately, I am taking the full armor of God with me.