light

I thought about you today and you felt so far away.

I know I’ll never see you again and that hurts a lot.

But it creates this space in my life for everything else.

Everything that never had space before.

I started thinking about how unhealthy I have been. How giving people too much of you is bad for you. How sacrificing everything for a thing, a place, a person is bad.

And then I thought about it again.

Why?

Why is it bad?

It’s not.

Give your all. Give more than you have. Sacrifice everything.

We don’t have another life. We don’t have more time.

We don’t have unlimited chances.

If you’re going to do something, go all the way.

If you’re going to commit, commit.

There’s no halfway doing anything.

Put everything you have into it.

It’s unhealthy by worldly standards.

Don’t say too much. Don’t do too much. Don’t be too much.

They don’t deserve that.

But I want to. It’s what I do. I take a job and that job becomes a part of me. I work on a project, I live, breathe, and eat that project. I’m your mother, my whole life is about making your life better than mine is and was.

Go hard or go home as they say.

But there’s no home.

There’s only one option.

I don’t have anyone here. It’s sad to think about sometimes. I only have my daughter who I barely get to see. I was homeless here for a month and I didn’t know where to turn. I didn’t have anyone to turn to.

I guess I’m wondering if I’m going the right way.

I guess it’s sad to think about giving everything you have when you have nothing.