thirteen

Thirteen years ago I wrote this:

“
I love big cities because they make me feel small. I love sitting in a coffee shop and looking through the huge window into a crowded street where no one knows my name. I can be anyone I want to be. I can exist free from my history. I can prosper and grow however, whenever into whatever for whatever reason because I’m not tied down by nostalgia and forgotten feelings and the mention of a name that singes the edge of my ears. 

I love big cities because they make me feel like I have some sort of chance.

“

I was 18 when I wrote this. Somehow, I am reading this exactly thirteen years later.

I met someone with your name today and I felt a sharp pain in my heart.

I wrote down everything that has been triggering me in hopes to release them all. Numbers, birds, places, cars, words.

I’m not who I used to be. Thank God for that.

I’m stronger. I’m wiser. I’m standing taller.

You used to ask me “Why does someone need to win?”. You didn’t give me a chance to explain that’s not what I meant when I said victory. When I say victory I’m talking about God. When I sing “I’ve got the victory” it’s because I know who raises me up.

And that part has nothing to do with you.

This part has nothing to do with you.

I met someone with your name today and the sharp pain in my heart was quickly followed by a peace I’ve never felt.

I am more than okay.

God is moving my life faster than I can comprehend.

I am trusting in every moment, every person, every message.

I met someone with your name today and the pain which preceded the peace turned into dust. I watched it sparkle in the air around me. I smiled knowing only God can get to me now.

I have loved Atlanta with all my heart for the past 7 years.

It’s been a crazy time but in various ways it’s been monumental.

North Carolina raised me but I found myself in this city.

I found God in Atlanta.

I still love big cities. I’m a country girl at heart. My brother still lives in our childhood home across from the tobacco field. I love Cook Out and climbing mountains. I’d rather be in the garden chasing chickens than riding a lime scooter on the beltline.

But the city helps us see what we’re capable of.

Things move faster here.

God’s building momentum.

I’m picking up speed.