just like the sunlight

Hey lovely people!

I am in a season of my life where I am making a lot of close connections with people. From these relationships, I’m trying to understand what it means for me to compromise and meet others halfway. Most of my life I’ve spent pleasing others, to my own dismay and disappointment. I then wonder why no one does anything for me but I’ve never told anyone what I like. It’s a difficult thing for me. I feel like the “easier” I am in decision making, the more people will like me. And, yes, that’s true. But they don’t really like you because you’re not communicating your own needs and wants.

So, I’m trying to be more open about the things that I want, the desires I hold, my own dreams. This way, whoever is meant to be part of this journey can find me and walk beside me. If I hold back on any of those things, I won’t be fully me (however vulnerable).

I’m working towards a version of myself that is unashamed, unapologetic, and very vulnerable. It’s daunting. It’s scary. But, I know it will be rewarding. It’s what feels right at this moment to work towards.

I know someone who is like sunlight. To me, his eyes sparkle. I can feel his energy the moment he enters my orbit and it’s electrifying. And I thought, maybe, it’s just how I feel about him, how I perceive him. I think there’s truth in that but more than what I think, I know how powerful he is in his own life. He may not know exactly what he wants but he’s not afraid to go after it and chase that feeling, that desire, that dream. The way he does that feels like pure sunlight, a roaring fire, a flash of lightning. He inspires me to shine just like that. Not just like him. But in my own way of reflecting the sun.

I used to think it was dance. I used to think it was choreographing, back-up work, commercial jobs. I’m kind of over the idea of being second fiddle to someone else’s light. The supporting role does not sound right to me anymore. I kind of think it’s painting. I feel different with a paintbrush in my hand. I understand colors, lines, forms more than I do people. But that just feels like speaking to me. Like saying what I need to say.

I know it’s music. I feel so much energy just thinking about performing. I get a surge of passion whenever I pick up my instruments or step onto stage. My voice shook a little when I first started. But that’s the whole point I think. To continue onward regardless and especially if my voice shakes. Because it feels like sunlight.

It feels like sunlight and I’ve been in the dark for too long.

I hope when you find your sunlight, you chase it, too.

Peace and Love,

Perlizbeth